The pain within or When Lighting strikes..

   Lightening streaked across the sky cutting the darkness and revealing a raccoon digging through an improperly sealed garbage can. Thunder roared, startling the large thief so much that it slipped from the garbage can and fell onto his back in a most amusing fashion, its little black legs clawing at the air and tail flailing in order to get its feet back to the ground. When the sky lit up again the night dwelling creature was nowhere to be found, vanishing as quickly and quietly as it had appeared, leaving only a torn bag as any evidence it was ever there. Again the lightning flashed, illuminating a bedroom just big enough to house a queen sized bed and two night stands comfortably in the center of the wall. The room also contained a heavy, worn dresser opposite the bed, next to a partially open door. This dresser extremely sturdy, it was built in a time of true carpentry. The most unique part of this dresser were the feet, they were brass lions feet, truly an amazing piece.

The apartment was pretty standard for a young single professional; a quaint living room with a connecting kitchen, a long hallway with a bathroom to the right and a hall closet to the left, nothing really to write home about. Aside from the numbers reading 2:27am on the stove the apartment was pitch black with a silence to match. Suddenly that silence was broken by gurgling, a deep gurgle like air escaping from the bottom of a water cooler mixed with the sound a wet vac makes when water is being pumped out of a flooded basement. The sound echoed through the silent apartment again, louder and more disturbing than before, this time followed by a grunt. The lighting flashed again, highlighting the face of a bearded man in his early 30’s, his brow covered with beads of sweat. He wore only a pair of sky-blue boxers with a dark blue band around the top, a white tank top damp with sweat and a gold Timex watch. The gurgle happened again and was accompanied by a sharp pain shooting through the man’s intestinal tract and seemed to pierce his soul, this pain caused him to wake up from his slumber and look down at his stirring gut and clutched it just as a flash of lighting darted across his room bringing with it a loud wave of thunder that seemed to shake the frames that housed his windows. The man layed his head down and said in a soft whisper, “Enchiladas”.

He swung his legs out of bed and started walking to his bathroom when he was struck with another side splitting pain that caused him to simultaneously grab the wall and clinch his butt cheeks in an attempted to hold back the stew of cheese and improperly cooked chicken that boiled like lava in his lower intestine. The man bravely took another two steps before he was greeted by another sharp pain and deep gurgle reminding him of his decision to buy street food from a gas station parking lot. He took three more steps toward the door before driving his baby toe into the brass foot of the dresser, he swore with the ferocity of the storm developing outside. After he composed himself, he pushed the door open and took another three steps towards the bathroom and felt an immense pressure that caused him to firmly block his anus for any enchiladas trying to escape prematurely. Finally at the bathroom door he flung it open and in one move dropped his under wear, turned around and began to sit. Though his naked behind did not hit the toilet seat but instead the rim of the toilet; the toilet seat had been left up as bachelors often do, and covered with pee from two weeks ago. A soup of urine, pubic hair and condensation had started to form a sort of celestial soup on both sides of the toilet. 

This lubricant caused him to slide butt first into the bowl of the toilet where, well, an eruption of enchiladas exited the mans body at such a force it quickly turned the clear water of the toilet into a muddy red color with bits of yellow corn and green peppers floating here and there. During this evacuation he managed to pull himself out the bowl and rest his body on the edge of the toilet but not before painting the lower edge of his tank top with the sludge. He sat for a moment, relieved to have gotten that demon enchilada out of his body; with the middle of his forearm he wiped the sweat and droplets of toilet juice from his forehead and gave out a sigh. As he turned to grab some toilet paper he suddenly remembered the grocery list on his fridge that he put off until tomorrow, at the top of this list, boldly written and underlined, TOILET PAPER.  A tear fell from the mans eye as he gently rests his face in both his palms because he knows this nightmare is far from over…

I Am Back Have You Missed Me?

Soooo it has been a while since my last post, for that I apologize. I had to go through some things and achieve some dreams...that rhyme was free by the way. Any who let me catch you up on the last 3 years. I met a young lady that I'm very keen on, it got serious, we got engaged and are set to be married! Can you believe that shit?! It's still crazy as fuck to me too. I moved to Portland, went to barber college, graduated and now work at one of the best shops in Portland.

So since I'm back at it again I've decided to change the focus a bit, I will continue to write about situations that come up in daily life and give relationship advice, but I will also be posting short stories and essays... yea I know I sound all grown up and shit!

Those that are new to reading my work I use foul language occasionally, I use real life situations that you may find offensive, rude or insensitive. I am sorry but that's just what this page is, knowing what's ahead you have the option to not read anything I post however if you continue to follow my posts please leave a comment to say how you felt about the writings, I would love to hear from you.

I will post a new piece every week, depending on whats going on you may get two or three. Oh and before I forget, if you know me on a personal level you may read a situation that happened between us, more than likely I will change the names to protect the innocent, just an FYI to my people out there. Well, welcome to my mind and feel free to read some old posts!

When you look into mirror what do you see or Stop carrying yesterday's bullshit in your pockets

What’s good my blog FAM, a couple of yall been hitting me up asking where the new post at, I just want to say I really appreciate yall following me and not letting me slack off at this. I been light weight out of commission because bootsy ass AT&T playing games with my internet service, talking about the fiber optics in my area doesn’t support the speed I am requesting. HUH? Well why in the fuck did you tell me that high speed damn internet is available in my area? Corporate sons of bitches. Another thing that’s been up is my mutha fuckin rent, talkin bout they gonna have to raise my shit and the end of December, WTF! So you know I’m looking to move somewhere else, so if any of yall know of any places to live in North Oakland, Berkeley, Emeryville area let ya boy know. Hit me at brandenblunt.blogspot@gmail.com , this is a new email address for me, if you hit me I will greatly appreciate it, I will respond and or post a story if you send me one. So I am listening to Tijuana Jackson you can also follow him on twitter @tijuanajackson, I listening to his talk show. At first I’m thinking he just gonna be telling hella jokes but the more I listen the more I started to hear REAL life coaching technique and hear a real fuckin message. The last one I saw he was sayin that “yesterday’s answers can’t solve today’s problems”. The more I thought about it the more it made sense, a lot of us are walking around holding on to the thought process of our last relationship in our new relationship fuckin up something that good because we can let go of what the last did to us. He also said that we subconsciously surround ourselves with who we think we are, for example Coach TJ said he surrounded himself with a bunch a dumb ass people because he felt he was stupid, he also said that he wouldn’t date black women because they reminded him of his mother who he felt betrayed him.  The next day I get a phone call from my home girl, she crying because the dude she with slap fire from her ass, she asking me why she always get with men that hit her( the last two men she was involved with put hands on her they are as follows 1)ghetto ass mutha fucka that would get drunk and give her a drunken punch 2)rich ass white boy that would black her eye and buy her jewelry) so I says to her because I’m a TRUE friend if you get a one man that hits you damn what the fuck, if you get two hmmm this is familiar three guys hitting you, either you in co-ed karate or you making some fucked up ass choices. Needless to say that she didn’t receive that well and called me an ass hole and an insensitive mutha fucka. To my friend if you are reading this Fuck you that’s why you don’t have hair on the left side your head, yea I realize that may have been petty to say but the heffa hurt my feelings. Anyways I tried to explain to her that if you want someone to tell you it’s gonna be ok and say it’s that dude fault call someone else, now I’m not sayin that him slapping you is ok, what I am saying is that he are subconsciously attracting and staying with these low life’s because of your self esteem and because that’s what you feel you deserve. How many of us are in a cycle of continuous bullshit because we have failed to let past shit go or failed to learn the lesson at hand? Now things come up but if you are in your 30’s having the same issues you were having when you were 18 im sorry you are either dumb as FUCK or need to revaluate what’s going on. Now are these instant fixes? NO! I myself have some issue lol, and I’m studying to become a life coach realizing this I have a life coach. No some people out there may say in your bitchassitness voice (this voice is not gender specific it describes a winey, nagging, negative person. I could have just said that but bitchassitness is more fun!) so they may say “ I know what I need to do I don’t need a life coach” well if that were true wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night crying because your life is fucked or dogging someone of the opposite sex because it raises your self-esteem( Men and Women can both dog the opposite sex FYI). I guess the morale of my post today is to bury that past shit, let it go so you can begin to really live and not just survive, the reason why you don’t succeed is because you don’t think you deserve to be successful.  

Oh thanks for the inspiration TJ.

Riding and Shooting or Do you need two bras

Lately I have taken up bike riding, which has been surprisingly fun. At first I originally did it to loose weight and to get some exercise in this hectic life of mine, but now I am really enjoying myself. I meet a lot of people when I’m out there touring the cities of the bay area; I have even started cycling every Sunday eating at different spots. I started riding solo bolo but have had people ride along with me for last couple of weeks which is freaking awesome! I’m looking to start a bike club if I get enough people to ride with, so get off ya fat ass and come out. The last time I went out I started taking pictures of some of the craziness I see when I ride around Oakland so be sure to check in for those pictures. Oh side bar I changed my diet a bit and added work out plans in there and can say that I have successfully lost 10 pounds of fat! LOL 10 pounds of fat. I haven’t really changed what I eat only the quality of what I eat. For example I have started eating only organic food or food with out hormones and preservatives. Well how does that help you loose weight Branden, thanks for asking faithful readers I’ll tell you! It help because when you eat food packed with hormones you then take on the hormone, I’ll keep explaining because I can hear some of you guys saying “and what the fuck does that mean” it mean that if the farmer gives the cow an added hormone to increase the cows body mass then when you eat it yours will too. Have you ever asked your self why am I gaining some much weight I only eat twice a day? It could be because you eat food packed with hormones, for the ladies its kinda like eating birth control and fellas its as if you were taking that powdered protein and not working out. Now the preservatives in the body are bit trickier then the hormones, when the body takes on preservatives the body doesn’t recognize them so it automatically stores them away in the form of fat cells until you use them. Now there is no nutritional use for preservative so the body will never use them, so they sit there in the form of love handles, turkey neck, cottage cheese thighs and back titties. LMFAO HAHA back titties, no offense to any of my readers out there with back breast. Now once these preservatives are backed on it is going to take a lot of physical exercise to burn off these empty calories. AND just think the point of preservatives is to LAST, to be here 20 years from now just like those back titties. LOL it’s still so funny. HA.  SO my best advice would be not to flood your body with preservative or unnecessary hormones. If you don’t believe what I’m saying Google it.

I really got off track here like I was saying stay tuned for more stories and picture from my ride and if your willing hit me up to go for a ride along with some good healthy eats. 

Until next time.   

What me married? or If I like should I put a ring on it? or My marriage clock is ticking,tick tick tick

What’s up My blog readers? How are things? Well this post is one that….well its one of those things that if you get it your way it could end up biting you in the ass, check it out. I was asked recently how long would I date someone before I would marry them, I said I haven’t put a time frame on it, it could be 1 year or 5 years it depends on the relationship and how I feel about the person. Their response was it should be 3 year max!!! So like I normally do in situations like this I began to survey people and with their express written consent via text message I got quite a few responses. I have taken the liberty of listing them below.

Suga Foot-“No time period if your following your heart, while on the other hand if your following your head that is when rationalizing comes into play, so I guess its really a matter of choice depending on what the individual chooses to follow”

Ebonii- “When the two people are ready if one is ready before the other then they should reevaluate the relationship. But neither should settle”

Jasmine- “ Personally I think marriage should be brought up till some years later, that way you get to really know the person and all tha shit” (LOL one of my favorite quotes)

Angie- “Yes there is a time limit dependent upon age. I think shit if I’m 30 I’m more inclined to have a smaller window of patience”

Kendra- “I feel like it just depends on the feelings you have towards the person. If it’s real it can be a month, a year or a decade...you just gotta feel its right”

Mark- “Depends on both maturity levels”

London- “ There is no time period to marriage cause some people date all their lives and have been with someone all their life and never been married. I really don’t care for marriage but to each their own”

Little will- “Not feeling that can you. It is when YOU as a person DECIDE to makes a commitment to a MONOGOMY and of course your mate would as well! That’s what starts a marriage and keeps it. It’s a decision you make to start and continue to make throughout a marriage.”

After reading all these Reponses I began to revaluate what I stated earlier. If you forgot what I said scroll up and look it’s a blog not a conversation. I still feel the same. I mean I do want to get married weather it’s a church wedding, notary or city hall I would like to be. I also would happy just being with a person for years wrapped up in love knowing that that person was there for me and me there for them. I also feel people put A LOT on marriage thinking that once you get married all your problems and marriage certainly doesn’t mean that the person will stay with you. I have also seen people stress out because they have to be married by a certain time. The absolute worst is seeing someone in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage for the sake of being married. All these quotes and responses are just opinions I ask everyone that reads this to make your own decisions about marriage. Marriage is not to be taken lightly; it’s not just something that you do. Marriage is a sacred thing that should be decided on by both parties and if both parties can’t agree then maybe it’s to leave the relationship.

Wake yo MIND UP!! or Put yo goodletts up!!!

 So me and good ol Goodlett were having this discussion about the state of minorities, people young and old, and by minorities we were referring to any and all enslaved or colonized people .Several things came up during this discussion that were both upsetting and comical. Goodlett brought up two terms I had never heard before:  “Post traumatic slave syndrome” and “Post traumatic colonization syndrome”. They both refer to how people act and what they choose to do with themselves after they have been oppressed. Goodlett and I both reside in Oakland, California so the demographic we were talking about was mainly the African American and Mexican American brothers and sisters of the area. I say to Goodlett, “Goodlett, there is no excuse why people don’t get up and do something with their lives. I mean, there is a tremendous amount of resources for them to pull from if they used even half their asses.” Goodlett replied with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen, “I’m with you about there not being an excuse but there is a reason, its called Post Traumatic Slave syndrome.” He went on to say that a lot of us are broken by the thought that we don’t deserve anything more then what we have or feel that it’s pointless to try and change because the world only sees you as this stereotypical figure; people have the desire but have been brain washed for generations. All I could say was “WOW,” wow because of all the conversation with my brothers and sisters from the neighborhood, conversations with the children I work with, a similar theme kept coming up in my memory bank: all the conversations ended with, “I want to do it, but man you know how it is.” How deep did these syndromes go with my fellow Oaklanders? So like I do I started asking people questions, because of convenience I started with my African American people, I started asking them about the middle passage, the holding cells in Ghana and even about slavery here in the states. Sad to say that most knew only what they saw in movies or what they briefly learned in school. How could my people not know their own history and just accept what they were told? Furious with what I just heard I interviewed some of my Mexican people; their response was parallel with those of my own race. I think one knew that Spain had occupied the country at one time. Is not knowing our history the source of all the confusion throughout our community? Is it appropriate to blame outside entities for our current position in life? When should we stop making excuses and start making history? I don’t have all the answers nor do I have a formula for success, all I’m saying is what ever the reason, what ever the cause, all of us need find that inner strength we all possess to stop surviving and start living.

DON'T SHOOT!!! or I think I just messed my pants!!!

This last week of May 2-6, 2011 has been one of the most challenging and eventful weeks I’ve had in a while, well the whole week wasn’t all that stressful it was more like Thursday-Saturday. It began like any other morning: 9:30am, I’m driving on the freeway, 80 to be exact when suddenly I was oowhoped (oowhoped- n. slang, pronounced OOO-whop. Origin- the sound a police siren makes. Meaning- to be pulled over by the police). Now right off the bat I started sweating and why, you might ask, well let me tell you. I was driving my car with a suspended license and no registration; I had insurance and my seat belt on though (lol, a joke). SOOO the officer asks besides my registration is there anything else that is wrong with the car? In my head I’m thinking this may be a test of character or a game the officer is playing so I nut up and tell him my license is suspended, he takes my I.D and walks away. The cop comes back 10 minutes later and ask for my car keys, in my head only one word is echoing……FUCK  .......When a cop asks for your car keys it means you are either going to jail or you are getting your car towed, either way you slice the shit my day is starting off pretty fucked up. Now let me clarify for all the finger pointing critics out there that like to say the cop is only doing his job blah blah blah. I get it, I didn’t pay the bills and he doing his shit but that doesn’t mean I have to like it, I dare you not to cry when the dentist sticks you with that big ass needle, he’s just doing his job right? Right, that’s what I thought. Any way so after 15-20 minutes the cop comes back and ask me to step out of the car, he explains to me that he is going to tow the car, nobody wants to hear this so I sigh and go to put my hands in my pocket, here is where I shit on myself. As my hands hit my pocket the officer screams get your hands out of your pocket and pulls his gun. Now I’m no punk but I was scared, I mean the cop has a glock 6inches from my chest and a crazed look in his eye. I thinking that I about o get shot on the freeway SMH (yea that’s right I used text message lingo in my blog, what you gonna do about it?!!) So naturally I put my hands up, I say to the gun wielding officer I’m trying to give you other key to the car man, the officer replies “Oh ok I’ll get it from your pocket.” He continues to say “Sorry about that, it’s just policy.” All I could say was “Hey, man”. All while he gets my keys and we have our exchange of words my hands are still up, then this cat wants to joke saying “Relax, it’s ok, you can put your hands down now.” People, this man with a damn gun in my face and is now telling me to relax, “I want to relax my foot in your ass,” (that’s what I wanted to say but I was still scared….lol). In the end he shakes my hand and tells my to walk off the freeway. Yes, that’s right, in the course of 30 minutes I got my car towed, a gun pulled on me and sent to walk off the freeway, I almost got hit by a damn truck! What a way to start the day..

Alfred Hitchcock once said “I’m not against the police; I’m just afraid of them.”

I am too Alfred, I am too.